Emotions

Have you ever found yourself staring into a big balck hole and wishing that you could dive straight into it as it would make everything so much easier?

Man do i feel like that.

My life just seems to be one hugh illushion. I am very good at telling people what they want to hear, like when they ask "How are you?" Inside i am screaming, im drowning just trying to keep my head above water. But does that come out of my mouth NO "I'm fine" is what comes.

I have spent so long keeping everything covered i don't know if i could ever open up. I learnt at a very early age that if you show emotion or how you really feel people will use this against you.

But when do you say enough is enough?

Guess i'm not there yet.

Happy in your own skin

How can you live with out being happy in your own skin. I have never been happy with myself . As i tend to like everything, I have a full wardrobe so i can go from wearing Goth to Corporate suits without trouble. Same with music i listen to Classical to heavy Rock and Roll, You would think that this would make it easy to fit in but it doesn't, I tend to see people with there friends and think god how can you have it so together you know who you are, why can't i. To the outside world i am happy go lucky. The go to girl with their problems you know the dependable one. wish they could see me on the inside.

I guess the only thing about me that has stayed the same for as long as i can remember is my love for the Paranormal and True crime. But even that has caused problems for me growing up. I guess that is why i have always been the outsider. For those two things has made me not really care what people think, but do i?????

Or is it just what i think of myself that i have problems with.

Someone said to me once that i have great confidence my retort was "no i just have a big mouth"
But really i am just really good at hiding it, the fear, that some day someone will see me for what i am.